Ribbon Colours!

A friend passed these on to me... I had no idea about any of them except breast cancer of course.

Cancer Is So Limited

What Cancer Cannot Do...

Cancer is so limited,
It cannot cripple love,
It cannot shatter hope,
It cannot corrode faith,
It cannot destroy peace,
It cannot kill friendship,
It cannot suppress memories,
It cannot silence courage,
It cannot invade the soul,
It cannot steal eternal life,
It cannot conquer the spirit.

-Author Unknown

Kelly and Her Mom

Kelly, my sister-in-law, just lost her mom Barbara to lung cancer last week. Barbara’s experience seems so much like my dad’s; struggling to get properly diagnosed, promised a certain amount of life by doctor’s, and then quickly declining towards the end. The other night, while my own mom was on the phone, calling my other siblings and letting them know, it suddenly hit me. She had just died of the same disease I now carry, currently carry, in my body. Up until that moment, I had identified more with Kelly- I knew how hard it was to lose a parent to cancer, or to anything. The disbelief and devastation it is weighted with. How life changes forever while you’re still trying to catch your breath. But this was a whole new perspective.

Maybe it’s because I’ve gotten off easy, because I haven’t felt sick, or realized the incredible amount of work it is taking my body to heal itself. Whatever it is, I feel a new tenderness, for myself and those around me striving to overcome cancer or its effects on their lives.

Todd goes to Mozambique

Todd left for Mozambique on Tuesday. For those of you that don’t know him, here is a perfect example of who I see him to be. On the way to the airport Tuesday afternoon, Todd wanted to first stop around the corner and say goodbye to Karim. Karim is a middle-aged Iraqi man that has a tire and repair shop in Detroit. Todd first met Karim when he was walking around the neighbourHOOD and saw Karim sitting outside, just waiting for customers. I’ve met Karim before, and I think this is how he spends much of his day: sitting around and waiting for customers. Karim seems to be like many in Detroit- trying to make a living, waiting for things to get better, and lonely. So Todd started talking to him, and came back the next day to bring him a coffee. For awhile, Todd was going there everyday, bringing him a coffee and just sitting outside, talking. Karim told him all about his life in Baghdad, his brother that is still there, how Saddam took his family land, his desire to save up and go back. Then, Todd brought him a Bible: an Arabic- English one.

So, we pulled up last Tuesday to the tire shop and there’s Karim, reading his Bible. We talk for a bit and Karim tells me to come by sometime when Todd is gone and we’ll 'go to the casino or something'. But the cool thing is what came next. Karim starts talking about the sandals that Todd is wearing and about how he broke his own pair. Todd mentions he has one in his backpack too, to take to Mozambique. Karim wants to see them, and when Todd goes to the trunk, unzips his backpack and pulls them out, Karim asks Todd for them. And Todd gives them to him, without even hesitating. I’m standing there like, ‘No, don’t give them! Your only belongings for the next year are in that backpack!’

So there Todd is, a missionary on the field in Detroit, on his way to the mission field in Africa, a missionary wherever he is. Who doesn’t want to be around someone like that? Who doesn’t want to be someone like that? I do- I’m not that kind of person yet, but I want to be. So he inspires me to be better everyday. That’s Todd.

What If

What if God asked you to give up your life as you knew it? What if He asked you to give up your permanent home for His, where you never knew where you would end up living? What if He wanted your means of supporting yourself, in order to trust in Him through others to support you instead? What about if He requested your friends and family and social events and wanted to replace them with the orphans, the diseased, the lonely? What if He gently demanded your comforts and pleasures and loves to live with the poor?

What if He asked all of this from you? And you did it.

Then He asked you to give up more.

Progression of Hair

One Regret

When I was in high school, I started dyeing my hair. Brown's just not that exciting when you're a teen trying to fit in. It started with the do-it-yourself Shoppers box of golden blond and progressed through various stages of streaks and highlights of everything from dark brown to light blond and back again.
Then last year, I decided that since I was going overseas to do mission work, it would be a good time to finally re-discover what my natural hair colour was. My reasons were three-fold; I figured I may not have a good stylist abroad, no-one that knew me 'blond' would be around, and as a missionary, it probably didn't matter anyway.
Before I left last June, I cut some of the ends off and resigned myself to a year of ponytails. Finally, after enduring the growing out phases (not pretty) all year, and returning home, my sister gave me a gift certificate for a proper hair cut and accompanied me to see the last of the blond go.
After I got it cut, I was so excited. I had one colour of hair. And I really liked it. I remember thinking how God really knew what He was doing after all, and that I would definitely be keeping the brown around indefinitely. That was 4 short months ago.

Of course, we all know that this is a lesson in irony.

Tomorrow, I will go and get my head shaved. For the past two weeks, my hair has been falling out. Thankfully, it has not come out in chunks or patches, but slowly, with the strands just pulling away effortlessly. (I've referred to this as shedding). I have already cut my hair short, but will not cling sadly to the last bits until they go. No, tomorrow my sister will come with me once more to experience a new hair cut.
It honestly doesn't really bother me about going bald. I have a great looking new wig and it will really cut down on shampoo costs. No, my one regret is this- for over 15 years I didn't see my real hair colour, the one I was born with. That's about half of my life. I tried everything I could to hide my real hair colour. I never really appreciated how I was made, the intricacies that were just me. You know what they say, ' You never know what you've got until it's gone.' So, appreciate who you are today. Just as you are. I guess that's the purpose of this blog, just to encourage you to see that from where I'm sitting, everybody looks pretty good they way they are.
God made my hair this really cool brown colour. God made us all so cool looking. He knows every cell in my body and every brown hair on my head. In Matthew 10:30 it says, 'And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered.' Going into tomorrow, I like to think that He knows exactly how many I had, have lost and still remain. I'm going to think of that under the razor.

Thursday, June 25, Second Chemo

I was disappointed and frustrated today. I went for my second chemo treatment this morning. I felt so positive and well after just finishing an antibiotic yesterday to ward off possible infection. But when I gave my blood work, my white blood cell count was low. The chemo wipes out your blood cells and the hope is that the time between treatments is long enough for them to recover. Because my count was so low today, I couldn’t receive the chemo. Instead, the doctor gave me a drug to help stimulate my bone marrow so new cells will grow. It is an injection I, or someone else, gives me once a day in my stomach for five days. After that, hopefully I can have the chemo treatment next Friday. Disappointed. Frustrated. I’m disappointed and frustrated that I am already experiencing these problems- I wasn’t expecting difficulties this early in the treatment. I’m disappointed that every missed treatment means this will be in my life longer. I’m frustrated that there is nothing I can do in my diet or with resting that can help boost my cells.
I do feel disappointed and frustrated. It’s not that I don’t feel these things. But I trust God so much; I know He already knows all of the outcome. He is never surprised. I don’t know everything (or anything mostly). I can’t just surrender parts of my life to Him. He deserves it all and will take care of it all. I’m thankful He knows everything, knowing how much He loves me. It makes me feel better.

Peanut Butter

Had a 'moment' last night. Let me describe it. It was just beginning to storm outside. I was in my pajamas, in bed, with just a lamp on as I was trying to finish a pretty good novel. I had also just gotten up and made a piece of rye toast with peanut butter and strawberry jam. As I crawled back under the covers with my book and toast and the thunder and lightening, I thanked God. Thanked Him for this moment of just being so alive, so comfortable, with so many small pleasures. I wasn't worried about when I was going to sleep, when I was getting up, or the fact that I was eating such a favourite, but high- calorie snack that late and in bed.

I know some of you may be thinking- lame. Nice Friday night. What is she getting at?

But have you ever known people that have this special knack for always seeing just these tiny little beautiful things that others overlook? I have watched and learned from such people, often women. When I was a teenager, crossing the lake up north in a boat with my aunt, she remarked, "Look at the beautiful colour of your hair with the sun behind it." She sees with different eyes.

With lots of time to sit and observe now, I hope to hone this skill. To look for and appreciate the dozens and dozens of gorgeous moments that are happening all around us and which we usually speed by and of course take for granted. For me, I'm loving the luxury of eating as much peanut butter and jam toast as I want for now!

A Weekend of Grieving

Here I am, in a beautiful serene cottage tucked away on ten acres of straight, tall pines. God has given me quiet, nature and beauty in which to grieve. We are up at Todd’s aunt’s cabin in northern Michigan. The air is crisp, the greenery slowly flourishing, and I keep crying. I have surrendered many areas of my life to God, especially over the last 5 years. My mourning over my Dad’s death, my struggles with divorce, the uncertainties and fear of mission work. But, on Friday as I attended my first trip to the cancer clinic and received my treatment plan, I began to understand even more what it looks like to surrender all. After sitting with me for well over an hour, the doctor’s parting words were, “Hopefully in a year, this will all be behind you.”
That seems to be the sentence that took me down, the one that keeps running through my head. A year. Wait, I had plans, remember? I am supposed to be returning to Africa, to work with kids, showing God’s love. I’m supposed to be healthy and young and carefree and adventurous.

I am grieving my plans. My trip to Africa, the meaningful work that I was supposed to be involved with. I grieve my pride, my lack of control over what is going to happen soon to my body, my physical appearance. I grieve my time, and energy and interests, all which must bow to how I’m feeling on any particular day during treatment. I am grieving my motherhood. Chemo may take my fertility.

The truth is though, that all of these areas were already out of my control. We just believe we can control all circumstances, all areas of our life. In reality, life can shift in an instant, without any say on our part.

On the way to the appointment Friday morning, I listened to one of my favourite songs. Part of it goes like this:
To you, I give my life, not just the parts I want to. To you, I sacrifice, these dreams that I hold on to; because You’re thoughts are higher than mine, You’re Words are deeper than mine, You’re Love is Stronger than mine. This is no sacrifice, here’s my life.

Every aspect of my life, huge or minute, whether talent, energy, relationship, desire, everything, was a gift designed by God that created me exactly how I am anyway. It’s all His. Every bit of it. His thoughts, words, love, plan and perspective succeed my tiny ones in every way. The only way to get through this is to give it all back to Him anyway and let Him work it out with wonder and glory. This is no sacrifice, here’s my life.

Some Thoughts on Lent (2 of 2)

Yesterday, I talked about realizing that my motivation for following Lent this year wasn't so pure. I thought about the question, "Why am I really doing this?', in response to the things I had committed to following. After I was honest with myself that my motivations were largely selfish and needed to be re-looked at, this led to the next question.

“What then, was God really asking or wanting me to do?”
Shortly after this question surfaced, I read Isaiah 58 on True Fasting. I’ll let you read it, but the first half addresses the heart issue. God says that when you fast, but still exploit or end up fighting with others, or go through the religious motions but without meaning, than it is not acceptable to God.

Then God answers the second question of, ‘What then, is meaningful to Him?’ Isaiah 58 says, “Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke...is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter- when you see the naked, to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?” (6-7)

Whoa. Had I been doing that AT ALL? Had I even been conscience of that?? I get so wrapped up in what I 'should' be doing, that I miss all the real opportunities in front of me to actually do something. Does my fasting and giving come from a place of deep love for God? Is it a response to that or is it obligation? God wants us to do these things for Him and for others, but only if it is a response of love and gratitude for Him, recognizing that He has given us everything anyway. We should simply and happily offer a bit of this back, knowing He owns all. If we recognize this, our giving and fasting and prayer changes and deepens and can finally take on and give out life, which it is intended to do, rather than being staunch and dead and a ‘I can’t do this- it’s Lent’, kind of thing.

Does my giving actually hurt me a bit, or cause me some discomfort in my life for the sake of others because I really want to love my neighbour? If we choose this kind of giving, or fasting, or praying, we will do things that really honour God and others. We will finally give our food to the food pantry that we like best, not least, and our clothes that are under a year old and we may actually still like and fit. We will take the money we would spend on coffee once a week and rather than buying something else with it, donate it instead, not because it is ‘the right thing to do’, but because in depriving ourselves, we bring a new life to others. We may, when we are abstaining from a food, actually remember those hungry today and unable to feed their kids empty stomachs, whether here or abroad.

So, needless to say, I didn’t do very well at the three things I pledged to do to prepare for Easter. However, they still served their purpose. During the process of struggling to fulfill them in some hollow way, I realized so much more about the motivation of my heart.

Some Thoughts on Lent (1 of 2)

As we enter Holy Week, I thought I would share a bit of my own experience with Lent this year. Even with a short time left, it’s worthwhile to think again about what we do and why we do it as we approach Easter. Traditionally for me, Lent is a time to dedicate a little more time to God and to deepen my relationship with Him in preparation for Easter and the glory of the Resurrection. It’s the most joyful season of the year- approaching the day when the fullness of Jesus’ life and purpose was finally realized. The glory and vastness of Easter also highlights our own human weaknesses and the deep realization that we need a God to redeem us. This isn’t a ‘Wow, I’m nothing’ kind of thing, but a humbleness and reverence for the Power that Overcomes All. This is why I think Lent is meant to be a time of introspection of how our own sins separate us from God and how we can draw closer to God, who is alive and well in us. Lent usually involves three components to help us become more aware of ourselves and our intentions: prayer, fasting and alms-giving or giving to the poor. I try and choose something to do in each one of these areas to focus on.

So, a few weeks before Ash Wednesday, I started to think about these and the first question that came to my mind was, ‘What am I going to give up?’ Chocolate, TV, sugar. Pray more, go to church more. Give something away. This seems the typical question I ask myself and it seems, most people ask themselves. “What am I going to give up?” So, with the same question as always, I started to give up the same, typical things. This year, I decided to give up second-helpings, spend more time in prayer, and go through my closet to give away a bag of clothes.

Somewhere though, in the last few weeks, I started to feel uneasy about these. All of them, in and of themselves, are ok; they’re good things that maybe we should be trying to do. But, in thinking about these, struggling to do these, and being mindful as I go, as the initial weeks went by, two other questions entered my mind and have taken root there.

The first question that came is: “Why am I really doing this?” If I’m honest about it, it’s still largely about me. ‘Oh, this is a great time to lose weight, or get healthier, or finally get rid of the clothes I don’t ever wear anyway.’ Even praying more or going to church- they’re largely about the set of religious rules I’ve constructed that make me feel better about myself when I’ve fulfilled them. Most times, doing these things feels pretty empty, and they’re more difficult to do because I usually forgot why I am doing it. It became more of a rule than something I had actually freely CHOSEN to do.

The problem with all of these, without the proper motivation of the heart, is that they rarely fulfill what God really wants from us- to be closer to Him. Not eating the chocolate, but eating the vanilla, rarely increases my love for God. I don’t take the time to reflect more on God during that time of fasting, or giving or praying. It just makes me feel better to say that I’m ‘doing’ something for Lent. The other reality is that in answering the question, ‘What am I going to give up?’, I chose things that really don’t hurt me one bit. I put a little more on my plate the first time around and when sorting those clothes, really, I gave away the ones I never wear or don’t fit.

What is the motivation of our hearts in doing the things we do to please God and to serve others?

Tomorrow... The second question....

Recent Case of Abortion

Several weeks ago, I cut an out article from the Windsor Star that my mom had seen and drawn to my attention. The article featured a nine-year old girl from Brazil that, after three years of being raped by her 23-year-old stepfather, had become pregnant with twins. Her attending doctors did not think her under-developed body would be able to carry the twins, and so were discussing the possibility of performing an abortion. Abortion in Brazil is technically illegal, except in the cases of rape and if the woman's health is jeopardized. However, as we all know, illegal things still happen all of the time. When in Brazil, I heard many, many stories of the frequency and methods of abortions performed in the slums. I think I even wrote a blog about a woman I knew that was almost aborted (See 'House of the Sower' Monday, October 20th.

I'm not even sure how to tackle this issue. This story touches the core of many of the most severe problems facing Brazil- acceptance of sexualized behaviour in society, widespread and ongoing abuse in and between families, and generational poverty that helps to keep this cycle going. These are all issues we wrestle with in Canada too- the idea of 'choice', child protection and abuse. While in Brazil, I studied abortion proceedures, the rates at which they occur, and the devastation it causes. Consider this:

Worldwide, 40 million abortions are performed every year. 40 million. The population of Canada + 8 million wiped out in 2009, 2008, 2007, 2006 etc. Every year. Our children and peers.

Who Suffers?
I am not merely Pro-life for the sake of the child- but also I'm Pro-life for the women that endure this. Can you imagine the horror and trauma that this girl has faced while still so little? Does she even stand a chance in life? Her body and identity have been stolen and destroyed. This abortion at such a young age only adds to this horror. Abortion brings an aspect of death and destruction to her reality that she cannot begin to understand now but must deal with for the rest of her life. Many women do not even realize the full extent to what they are doing or the impact it will forever have on their life. Where was this little girl's choice in any of this? It is important that we show compassion to women who have undergone abortions. It is important to know why they chose to do this and what we can do to support women in this position and those facing the decision that have not yet decided.

These babies. I know how they were conceived. I know the life they will face. But, my heart still aches for these two little babies that are gone. People often raise questions such as- 'Why has someone not yet found a cure to cancer?' How many potential top scientists, teachers, artists and friends have been killed?

So, I have included the article from the paper. Please read it and let me know what you think. It is important to talk about these things and not just ignore them or take them as 'normal'.

In her circumstances, did the doctors do the right thing in performing this abortion?? Leave a comment in the comment section.


Victim, 9, may abort- Sao Paulo March 2, 2009
A nine-year-old girl pregnant after years of alleged sexual abuse by her stepfather is likely to abort twins she is carrying in a case that has shocked Brazil, reports here said Saturday. The Brazilian girl, who was not identified because she is a minor, was found to be four months pregnant after being taken to hospital suffering stomach pains, the news websites G1, pe360graus and the Diario de Pernambuco reported. She was being cared for by a medical and psychological team in the Maternal-Child Institute in the northern city of Recife, close to her hometown of Alagoinha in Pernambuco state. "We don't know if she will develop the pregnancy up to the end because of the structure of her body. It is a big risk for her," said the doctor who confirmed the girl's pregnancy, Jose Severiano Cavalcanti. "She doesn't have a pelvis able to support a gestation of twins," he explained.
Abortion is illegal in Brazil except in cases of rape or if the woman's health is in danger.
The institute in Recife was unable to immediately confirm information about the case, telling AFP that authorized spokespeople were not available on the weekend.
According to police accounts reported in the media, the 23-year-old stepfather was believed to have abused the girl since she was six, paying her around 50 cents for each sexual relation.


**The abortion was indeed performed later by the girl's attending doctor.