A Weekend of Grieving

Here I am, in a beautiful serene cottage tucked away on ten acres of straight, tall pines. God has given me quiet, nature and beauty in which to grieve. We are up at Todd’s aunt’s cabin in northern Michigan. The air is crisp, the greenery slowly flourishing, and I keep crying. I have surrendered many areas of my life to God, especially over the last 5 years. My mourning over my Dad’s death, my struggles with divorce, the uncertainties and fear of mission work. But, on Friday as I attended my first trip to the cancer clinic and received my treatment plan, I began to understand even more what it looks like to surrender all. After sitting with me for well over an hour, the doctor’s parting words were, “Hopefully in a year, this will all be behind you.”
That seems to be the sentence that took me down, the one that keeps running through my head. A year. Wait, I had plans, remember? I am supposed to be returning to Africa, to work with kids, showing God’s love. I’m supposed to be healthy and young and carefree and adventurous.

I am grieving my plans. My trip to Africa, the meaningful work that I was supposed to be involved with. I grieve my pride, my lack of control over what is going to happen soon to my body, my physical appearance. I grieve my time, and energy and interests, all which must bow to how I’m feeling on any particular day during treatment. I am grieving my motherhood. Chemo may take my fertility.

The truth is though, that all of these areas were already out of my control. We just believe we can control all circumstances, all areas of our life. In reality, life can shift in an instant, without any say on our part.

On the way to the appointment Friday morning, I listened to one of my favourite songs. Part of it goes like this:
To you, I give my life, not just the parts I want to. To you, I sacrifice, these dreams that I hold on to; because You’re thoughts are higher than mine, You’re Words are deeper than mine, You’re Love is Stronger than mine. This is no sacrifice, here’s my life.

Every aspect of my life, huge or minute, whether talent, energy, relationship, desire, everything, was a gift designed by God that created me exactly how I am anyway. It’s all His. Every bit of it. His thoughts, words, love, plan and perspective succeed my tiny ones in every way. The only way to get through this is to give it all back to Him anyway and let Him work it out with wonder and glory. This is no sacrifice, here’s my life.